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  “That’s you I’m offering you the opportunity,” Fae replied smoothly.

  “To take one of your toxic cocktails?” Nikki scoffed. “I think not!”

  Fae rolled her eyes. “There is no need to be so melodramatic. The potion has been thoroughly tested. It’s quite safe, I assure you. We just need to know if it works the way it’s supposed to.”

  “And you expect me to be the guinea pig?” Nikki squawked in outrage.

  “No, we’ve already tested it on guinea pigs,” Fae replied coolly, with just the trace of a smirk twitching on her porcelain lips. “It was quite successful. They were at it in no time, in fact. Now we need to test it on a human. I apologise if I mistakenly thought you were qualified for the position.”

  “Hey!” Nikki objected.

  “It doesn’t matter,” Fae shook her head slowly, her amazing hair staying perfectly in place as she did so, as ever. That bitch. “We’ll just advertise like we were intending to in the first place. I just thought, given the level of your... whining... you might appreciate the chance.”

  “I do not whine!” Nikki went red in the face as she insisted.

  “Non?” Fae did smirk this time, in a thoroughly superior manner. That bitch. “”Oh Doctor Dubois, why won’t anyone look at me, why won’t they love me?”” she imitated Nikki’s English accent perfectly; much to the latter’s annoyance.

  “How dare you - “Nikki began.

  “No matter,” Fae stood up quickly. “I apologise if I have overreached the boundaries of our professional relationship. I will not being the matter up again.”

  Nikki stared after her, silently fuming. “I do not whine,” she whined.

  Nikki spent the rest of the day in a silent state of righteous indignation at Fae expecting her to be the test subject for Erect Matters’ latest crazy scheme, and intended to vent her annoyance at the cheek of it in full to her best friend Lana Banner that night. Unfortunately, upon returning home, Nikki found a message from Lana on her answering machine, apologising profusely but cancelling their girls’ night out.

  She had a very good reason, however. She had a date.

  Nikki spent the evening alternately sulking, drinking wine, sulking, listening to angry chick music, and sulking some more. Finally at around 11 pm, tired and more than a little tipsy, Nikki decided she had had enough, called Fae’s mobile and left a message on her voicemail. “That thing you athked me to do today?” she slurred. “I changed my mind. I’m in.”

  The next morning had seen a bit of a flap at Erect Matters, with a volunteer for one of their test products - flavoured condoms - being carted off to hospital. Apparently he had neglected to mention on his release form that he was allergic to peanuts, and the consequences had been... unpleasant.

  Anyhow, because of this it was nearly lunchtime before Fae found the time to come see Nikki and usher her into her laboratory, giving her lots of forms to sign.

  “So what does this stuff do again?” Nikki eyed the small potion bottle, simply labelled “Hotness”, dubiously.

  Fae rolled her eyes in mock despair at her ignorance. Nikki secretly wished the wind would change and her face would stay like that. “I already told you. It increases your physical attractiveness to those to whom you are most attracted, making you essentially all but irresistible. I’m sure it will be a new experience for you, if nothing else.”

  Nikki resisted the urge to jump on her and claw her eyes out. That bitch. “So it’s pheromones, yeah?”

  Fae sighed. “Only in part. There is another ingredient, one which ensures your newfound attractiveness will only make you more desirable to those you desire.”

  Nikki wrinkled her nose. “Sounds a bit far-fetched to me,” she noted.

  “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it,” Fae purred. “It’s science, that’s all you need to know.”

  “Right,” Nikki took the top off the bottle of potion and gave a tentative sniff. It smelled okay, actually, a little like fresh strawberries.

  Fae sighed theatrically. “Well? Do you wish to be desirable or not? Or were you really looking forward to being the mad old cat lady?”

  “How long before it starts working?” Nikki asked, ignoring her.

  “It should kick in within six to eight hours,” Fae assured. “You have to actually drink it first, of course. It doesn’t work if you just stand there looking at it.”

  Nikki uttered a silent expletive, and took a deep breath. “Bottoms up, then,” she said, and drank the whole thing down in one go.

  “Wait!” Fae yelled.

  Nikki looked at her in alarm.

  “You were only supposed to take one sip, not drink the whole bottle!” Fae cried. Nikki looked at her in horror, only for Fae to relax into a smirk. “Kidding,” she chortled. “Sorry. Mad scientist humour.”

  That bitch.

  Chapter Two

  Nikki was hoping for one hell of an evening. The potion should be kicking in between eight and ten pm, perfect timing for being out clubbing with Lana. Certainly, by the time she took the train home, nothing seemed to be happening. Not one guy on the train had looked at her twice and her bad mood had only increased with the amount of times she’d kept being bumped into - by women, mostly - and had her bag knocked out of her hands, forcing her to bend down to pick it up.

  As it turned out however, clubbing had been a bust. Lana had cancelled again - another date - but Nikki was buggered if she was going to be staying home again when she was supposedly about to become irresistible. She’d gone to the club and flirted her ass off, shaking her booty on the dance floor... and gotten not so much as a bite.

  Fae’s potion was a bust.

  Nikki didn’t know whether to be peeved or gleeful at the prospect of telling the smug French beauty that her “genius” had failed her on this occasion.

  “All on your lonesome?” the female bartender, a rather butch young woman covered in tattoos, asked sympathetically.

  “As usual,” Nikki commented gloomily.

  “Tut-tut,” the butch bartender shook her head. “Can’t understand it, pretty little thing like you.”

  “Me neither,” Nikki snorted.

  “You don’t have to be alone tonight, you know.”

  Nikki frowned at her, perplexed. “Excuse me?”

  “I get off at ten,” the butch winked. “We could... go somewhere.”

  Nikki gaped at her incredulously, her eyebrows rising. Was she hitting on her? “I’m sorry?”

  The butch leaned in. “Come back to my place and you won’t be sorry, sweetheart,” she promised. “I’ll make you cum so hard you’ll squeal.”

  Nikki’s eyebrows had risen so high they were practically coming off the top of her head when the butch bartended leaned in for a kiss. Nikki just managed to leap back in shock before the butch’s lips met hers. “I - I don’t think so!”

  The butch shrugged nonchalantly. “Your loss,” she winked. “If you change your mind and decide to be honest with yourself, you know where to find me.”

  She moved away, leaving Nikki gaping after her in utter disbelief.

  Nikki headed back to her flat, absolutely fuming. What a stupid bitch that Fae really was! The potion had been absolutely useless to an almost comical degree. She’d had a grand total of one offer all night, and that had been from that dyke! Science my arse, she thought. She reached her flat, only to start with surprise at the sight of her friend Lana sitting on her doorstep sobbing her heart out.

  “Lana!” Nikki sat down beside her in concern. “What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

  “Got... dumped,” Lana managed to gasp between sniffles.

  “Oh, Lana,” Nikki sighed. Her best friend was thoroughly sweet, but far too keen to give her heart all too easily to losers who neither appreciated it nor deserved it.

>   Nikki and Lana were sitting on the sofa in Nikki’s flat. Nikki had managed to calm her friend down to just a quiet snuffling and was now plying her with drink and ice cream.

  “What lame excuse did this one give for treating you like crap?” Nikki wanted to know.

  “Said...not pretty enough,” Lana sniffed.

  “That asshole!” Nikki swore, aghast. “Lana, he’s full of it. You’re gorgeous, you know that, right?”

  Lana looked at her, an odd expression on her face. “You really think so?”

  “I know so,” Nikki assured her. She shook her head. “Honestly, men! Why do we even bother with them? Shoot the whole damn sex, that’s what I say; we’d be better off without them!”

  “Oh Nikki,” Lana dropped her head on Nikki’s shoulder, snuggling in close.

  “You silly thing,” Nikki patted her head affectionately.

  “You know, I think you’re right,” Lana turned to look at her, her face unnervingly close. “About men.”

  “Oh?”

  “Not about shooting them or anything.”

  “I’m glad to hear it.”

  “But... maybe we would.”

  “Would what?”

  “Be better off without them.” Lana moved in closer and Nikki still didn’t quite register what was happening until Lana’s soft lips met her own in an intense, passionate kiss.

  Nikki closed her eyes, sinking into Lana’s hot, sweet kiss for a few seconds.... until reality kicked back in and she broke the kiss, eyes wide. “What... what are you doing?”

  Lana grinned wickedly, suddenly no longer crying and upset but confident and seductive. “I’d have thought that was pretty obvious,” she noted and kissed her again.

  Nikki found herself being pushed back on the sofa, Lana climbing on top of her kissing her passionately, her tongue slipping into her mouth to tangle with Nikki’s own. Nikki found herself kissing back, her own passion rising as Lana’s lips moved down to her neck, the other girl’s long blonde hair falling across her face as Lana’s hands moved down to cup and knead her breasts through her T-shirt and cotton jumper.

  “Oh Christ,” Nikki moaned. She was lost for a moment, caught between the part of herself that was screaming “What the hell do you think you’re doing? This is your best friend and a GIRL!” and the part that just wanted to stay lost in Lana’s warmth, neither aspect winning the internal war inside of her.

  It was the feel of Lana’s hands unbuttoning her belt buckle that sent her crashing back to reality with a bang. Nikki sat up suddenly, all but pushing Lana off of her and onto the floor. “I - I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I - I can’t do this.”

  Lana looked at her again, and this time the look on her face was not one of desire but shock, even horror at her own behaviour. “I - I’m sorry,” she managed to gasp. “I d- I don’t know what came over me. Suddenly you just seemed so... irresistible.” She rushed to the door, fumbling with the lock. “I’m so sorry.”

  Nikki barely registered her departure, her mind going into shock at Lana’s words. “Suddenly you just seemed so... irresistible.”

  The potion.

  “Making you all but irresistible,” Fae had said.

  Holy shit. The potion was a failure, but an even worse failure than she’d thought. Not only has it had no effect on men, but it seemed to have one on women, even hitherto heterosexual ones like Lana. Fae’s potion had made her a lust object for all women!

  Nikki shook her head in disbelief, shock and fury.

  “That BITCH!” she spat.

  Chapter Three

  Nikki was on the phone to Fae in mere moments. “You stupid bitch!’ she yelled the moment the French woman had picked up the phone.

  There was a pause. “Mum?” Fae hazarded a guess.

  “It’s me. Nikki,” Nikki said through gritted teeth.

  “Oh. Oh. What’s the matter with you?”

  “What’s the matter with me?” Nikki hissed. “What’s the matter with me?!”

  “That’s what I asked,” Fae noted. “You know, assuming you had a reason for ringing up your boss and screaming abuse at her. Other than just boredom, I mean.”

  “Oh, I have a reason,” Nikki fumed. “I’ve got a bloody doozy.”

  “Excellent,” Fae paused again. “Care to share?”

  “Your damn potion,” Nikki told her furiously.

  “Oh,” Fae actually sounded genuinely perturbed for a moment. “It doesn’t work, then?”

  “Oh, it works,” Nikki snorted. “After a fashion, I suppose.”

  “Then what are you getting so het up over?”

  “It works on the wrong sex, you damn frog!” Nikki bawled.

  Pause. “I beg your pardon?” Fae asked finally.

  “You heard.”

  “What exactly do you mean by that?” Fae pressed.

  “I mean, since about eight o’clock this evening, I’ve suddenly become the lust object of choice for women!” Nikki yelled.

  Fae went silent, and then Nikki heard the sound of quiet chuckling coming from the other end of the line.

  “You think this is funny?!” Nikki shrieked.

  “Of course not, I do apologise,” Fae replied, her tone full of both insincerity and barely repressed mirth.

  “Fix this!” Nikki yelled.

  “I will if I can,” Fae promised.

  “If?!”

  “Come and see me first thing in the morning and we’ll try and get you to drink a solution that should nullify the potion’s effects.”

  “I’m not waiting till morning!” Nikki balked. “Fix this now!”

  Fae’s theatrical sigh made Nikki want to reach down the phone line and throttle the statuesque blonde. “It’s late, Nikki,” Fae pointed out. “I’m sure it can wait till the morning. You’re not having the local women’s volleyball team over for drinks tonight, are you?”

  “Well, no,” Nikki muttered.

  “Then I think you’re quite safe from a lesbian ravishing for tonight,” Fae remarked. “I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight, Nikki. Don’t... er... don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

  Nikki slammed the phone down on her boss’ chuckle.

  Morning finally arrived and not before time as far as Nikki was concerned. She’d barely slept a wink all night, both fuming at Fae for getting her into this mess and fuming at herself for constantly finding her thoughts drifting back to the feel of Lana on top of her, her tongue in her mouth and her hands kneading her breasts...

  She was going to kill Fae for this.

  Finally ready for work, Nikki exited her apartment just as Mrs. Wheeler, the eighty year old woman who lived just across the hall, was leaving her apartment, and pushing her Zimmer frame in front of her.

  “Hold the lift for me, would you dear?” Mrs. Wheeler wheezed.

  “Of course,” Nikki entered the lift and held it until the hobbling geriatric was able to join her inside. “Ground floor?”

  “Thank you dear.”

  Nikki pressed the button. The lift doors closed, and it began to descend.

  “You’re looking lovely this morning, dear,” Mrs. Wheeler commented benignly.

  “Thank you,” Nikki smiled. “That’s very nice of you. You’re looking very nice too.”

  “You really think so?”

  “Sure,” Nikki nodded blithely. “Going somewhere special?”

  “Oh no,” Mrs. Wheeler smiled sweetly. “Someone special, though.”

  Nikki looked at her in surprise. “Oh really?” Jeez, if even an old broad like Wheeler could snag a fella, perhaps there was hope for her yet. “Anyone I know?”

  “You could say that,” Wheeler reached out and pressed the EMERGENCY STOP button. The lift ground to a halt between floors, setting off
the alarm.

  Nikki looked at the elderly woman in bewilderment. “What are you doing?”

  Wheeler pushed her Zimmer frame toward her, pinning Nikki to the wall of the lift. “You’re so pretty,” she said, licking her lips.

  Nikki stared at the old woman in abject horror as comprehension dawned. “Oh no, Mrs Wheeler, not you too!”

  “My dear,” Wheeler started to lean in close. “It’s been a generation since I’ve wanted someone so much!” She leaned in for a kiss.

  Nikki could smell perfume and talcum powder as the elderly woman’s leathery lips began to descend on hers. “Stop it!” Nikki freaked out and shoved the Zimmer frame backwards, knocking the feeble old lady to the ground. Nikki activated the lift, then realised what she had done as she turned to see her elderly neighbour on the floor, arms and legs akimbo. “Oh God,” Nikki tried to help her up. “I’m so sorry!”

  “That was very naughty of you,” Mrs. Wheeler grabbed her by the arms. “I’m going to give you a right good spanking!”

  The lift doors finally opened on the ground floor and Nikki shrugged off the lecherous old granny and ran for it.

  “Get back here!” Mrs. Wheeler wheezed, shaking her Zimmer frame in fury. “Get back here so I can roger you rigid!”

  Nikki was walking hurriedly for the bus, doing her best to keep her head down without making eye contact with any of the women she passed on the street. A gaggle of schoolgirls, no older than fifteen or sixteen years of age, was standing outside a sweet shop as she passed.

  Nikki ignored the sudden giggles and kept on walking.

  The dozen wolf-whistles were even more difficult to ignore, but she did her level best.

  “You’re soooo hot,” one of the girls called.

  Nikki risked a look back and soon wished she hadn’t; the schoolgirls were following her. Nikki quickened her pace; the schoolgirls quickened theirs.

  Nikki turned a corner and spotted her bus at the stop, preparing to pull out. “Wait!” she yelled.